Guilty

Thank heavens for all of the comments from the FOD mommas!!!! They help more then you know.

Yesterday was one of those days where all we really did was survive.

I was feeling extreme guilt for letting my two year old have a Dora the Explorer marathon. Luckily my hubby came home and we all went for a walk to soak up the sun, it has been very rainy the last 4 weeks and it was nice to catch the sun while it was out. We were only out for 15 minutes but that has to erase a few minutes of Dora from my guilty conscience. Right?

Baby was pretty fussy all day so he took pretty much all my attention all day. As I was trying to go to bed my two year old started crying out in her sleep. Oh how I wish my husband had still been home. As I ran to her room the baby of course started screaming. I took him with me into her room, I held her as he lay screaming on the foot of her bed. Mommy guilt is the worst kind of guilt in the entire world. Luckily my daughter was easy to get back to sleep even with the baby screams coming from the end of her bed. But that was all it took to feel defeated. I had planned to make the baby transition easy for my two year old but I don't feel like I am doing a very good job.

Speaking of jobs I admitted to my husband that being at work sounded better then being at home lately. Of course I feel guilty and when the time comes for me to go back to work I am going to be devastated. I still haven't quite figured out how that is going to work. I am praying that God will give me direction and will help us choose the right thing to do.

I am going to throw a goal into all of this: do something special for my daughter this week.

Here we go again.

What started as a blog about melanoma quickly turned into a blog about goals. I discovered that when caught early all you can really say about melanoma is: remember to wear sunscreen.

So for some reason shortly after child birth God decides to give me just an extra little challenge. With my daughter (now two) came the melanoma diagnosis. With my son (one month) came the discovery that he has a genetic disorder called MCADD. Although the first few weeks were pretty scary we have come to learn that it is something that is very manageable, basically the little guy cannot fast. So I am getting him up every 3 hours to eat whether he wants to or not. For me it has just been a matter of learning to live with very little sleep. The part where this disorder gets frightening is when he gets a fever or the stomach flu. His metabolism will run high and he won't feel like eating, or he won't be able to keep anything down. We then have an express pass at the ER and he goes in for an IV of glucose. We have had a meeting with a genetic counselor and are waiting for an appointment with the geneticist. Our geneticist comes to Boise from Portland 3 times a year so we have to wait to meet with him until his next visit. I am hoping that he will let the little guy go a little longer between feedings.

So instead of melanoma, or goals, or MCADD I have decided to focus my blog on survival. Dramatic I know.

It is all worth it and I wouldn't trade in anything. Not my sassy, fun little two year old or my beautiful little boy that just needs to eat, not my crazy husband that always wants to do something because he can't sit still, and not my desire to run even though I dread heading out to do it. I am going to charge into the day with bags under my eyes. If the house is still standing and I have had a shower at the end then it most definitely has been a great day!